this is where i would draw a map & title it the place for ache
a black hole disguised as heaven, or
maybe not even disguised, maybe it's just a portal
this is how i pray: think about my hands
& how they look older than the rest of me
there are no differences between warm mornings
& apologies that end with flowers in the trash
i could make a blanket for someone but i'd rather
sit on a roof & pretend to look for meteors
when the sun pushes out you will still find me there
i'm not scared of floods anymore
& asking for forgiveness is so difficult
i forgot how to say so many words in my first language
but i am practicing by reading eulogies
whose idea was it to keep distance?
my eyes are about to give out again but
here, take this dynamite for when i wake up
I WAS ALWAYS TOO FAT & SCARED TO TRY TO CARTWHEEL
We are both ugly pieces of the moon. We can be found stuck under the dirty sheets of a bed or in any diner in America that stays open past 4 a.m. I am tired of being large but decided a long time ago not to do anything about it. Beds that drag me into the dark don't actually drag me into the dark. Dreams in which I wake up in a mental hospital & go about my day like normal are just dreams. Dreams in which normal exists & movement only happens in a cloud shaped like a postcard rarely occur. I never wanted to look like myself. It is hard to be tired & it is tiring to break things into separate parts with fingerless hands. It's not anyone's fault, I don't expect them to understand. I tell the voice in my head, can i give you a name? & the voice says no.
beyza ozer would like you to know that you are made of moon dust. beyza's work has appeared in & is forthcoming from The Offing, Pinwheel, THEM, Nightblock, Witchcraft Magazine, Shabby Doll House, & others. beyza is the author of FAIL BETTER (fog machine 2017) & I DON'T MEAN TO REDSHIFT (Maudlin House 2016). they are deputy director of social media at YesYes Books. beyza lives in Chicago where they attend Columbia College, work at the feminist bookstore, & intern at the Poetry Foundation.